Many years ago I was driving down the road in my Ford Focus with a good friend of mine, at the time, talking about life in general. You know, girl stuff (boys), and my friend said something I have never forgotten: "When I have a boyfriend I'll be happy." and my immediate thought was "My happiness will NEVER depend on my relationship status." It never has. Shockingly! Perhaps it helped that I didn't have an actual boyfriend until I was in my early 20s, so I had plenty of time to get out on my own and realize that there is more to life than dating. Or perhaps I started to feel this way long before I was even allowed to consider dating by the strict "no dating until you're 16" rule enforced by my parents.
I think back to when I was very young and impressionable and had be sexually harassed (I don't count touching one time through my clothing molestation, although I know some would) by a complete stranger while sitting on the side of my friends house waiting for her to come back out and play with me. Was it then that I decided men were scary? Maybe it was just a short time later when I was actually molested that the reality of scary men came into my mind. I can't be sure though. The feelings I remember from those two very different experiences are also very different. I remember being terrified of the strange man. Not only did I not know him, but he looked at me oddly and said, in his broken english some things that I wish I could forget. Was it the actual touching of my private area that scared me? The look? The words? Or just that he was a stranger? I don't remember being scared when I was actually molested. Uncomfortable, yes. Confused, yes. Dirty, yes.
As I grew older and more mature (but still young and depressed), I realized that I was dirty. Of course I was. I had been defiled, broken, used, and my innocence was marred. So I turned to food. I'm not sure, but I some times think I wanted to look "ugly" on the outside. The same as I was on the inside. Of course now I know better. But then I didn't. I also probably found comfort in food. I know I get lazy and eat terrible now, but it's not because I am unhappy with my life like I was before. Just lazy.
I recently spent time with that same friend after a long time of not seeing her. As predicted, her happiness is still dependant on her relationship status. I refuse, like I did so many years ago, to allow myself to feel less worthy, less happy, less fulfilled in life because I am single. Having a man doesn't some how magically make life's problems disappear. Putting up with a mean boyfriend because you are nothing without him doesn't somehow make you a better person, just a stupid person. Thinking that if only a man would want you, you would some how instantly feel whole and love yourself is just not true.
I've had some really great boyfriends. I have even had some "okay" boyfriends. I have never had a bad boyfriend. Mostly because I refuse to date guys that are jerks. Anyway, the most important thing I've learned first hand: When you love yourself, you know very quickly if the man you are with is worth keeping around.
Let me explain. I really really really REALLY liked (loved) someone. He pushed me to think more about why I do what I do. He also forced me to laugh at myself more. Which wasn't always appreciated. We talked about the future and it all seemed great. Until I realized that I loved myself. DUN DUN DUN. I love myself way too much to put my beliefs on a back burner because the person I am with has different beliefs. I love myself too much to not want to be a mother because the person I am with does not want to be a father. I love myself too much to let him make fun of me in what he thinks is funny and what actually hurts my feelings, and then be told that I am wrong to let those things hurt my feelings. I love myself too much to forgo family meals because he is a picky eater and refuses to even try something that I would prepare. And at the end of the day, I love myself too much to think that he would change just because I loved him and wanted him to. He was never willing to compromise. If he had been willing, maybe we could have worked out. But I cannot give up my dreams to live only his. I love myself too much to "settle".
Some day I hope to find a great man that has similar interests, yet also different ones. Someone that wants to push me to try new and strange things. Someone that I can show new places to and encourage to grow with me, not grow over or, heaven forbid, under me. Someone that wants similar things out of life...family, adventure, hope for the future, excited for life. My relationship status wont ever define me. It will just be an added part of the whole that is me.
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