Am I shrinking yet?!

I officially start Les Mills Combat 60 day challenge on Monday. I will be waking up before the sun to inflict sweet, wonderful, hardcore pain upon myself, which should lead to me quickly shrinking from a big fatty to a less big, still fatty. Needless to say, I am stoked!

I also signed on to be a beachbody coach when I ordered my package, because it saved me 25% and who doesn't love a savings? If you're interested in joining me in my weight-loss journey rather than just reading/watching mine, then email me! gettingfitwithamy@gmail.com

I'd love to share with you all about shakeology, beachbody, and all the amazing changes that are happening in my life. I also love the accountability and support from the rest of the team.

I'll be sharing more about all of this fun stuff later, when I get my own website up and running as well as a facebook page. It will be fun to actually *see* my progress, while encouraging others to change their lives as well!

Hating oneself

Do I hate me? No. Should I hate me? Maybe. Probably not.
Do you hate you?

It's easy to hate yourself. You know you better than anyone else in the entire world. You know every flaw, every mistake, every weakness, and every sin. You know, deep in the core of who you are, why you do what you do. Some times, you even come to a realization that you've known these things all along. Is it painful to know the "why" of your actions? It can be.

I have reason to hate myself. I have reason to hate others. The thing about me though...I've chosen to go about this another way. I've chosen to not care. I don't care about you, I don't care about me, I don't care about anyone. That's not to say I don't love people, or respect them, or *want* to care deeply for the. I just built up a defence system that forces me to not care.

I think about my son. He is probably the only person in the entire world that I am emotionally connected to. My parents, I love them, but it's not the same. If they were to die, I would be heartbroken and depressed. If Joshua were to die like those poor babies in Connecticut, I would be beyond devastated. I would most likely curl up into a massively fat ball and cry myself to death. Because he is mine, I have allowed myself to be emotionally attached to him. I don't know how I did this, it was just natural and instinctual. With others, it doesn't happen that way. I just cannot allow any one else in.

Why? It probably goes back to my childhood when abuse began. The self-loathing came after. The depression, the eating, the loneliness. It broke me. I'm broken.

Speed bump! Or is it?

My trainer ran into some drama with a childish co-worker who ended up getting my trainer (Kelly) fired from her job. Seriously, not cool. It turns out that all of Kelly's clients (including me) are pissed. I even went so far as to call the gym and throw a fit while demanding my money back for the training sessions I had not yet completed. Unfortunately, the gym refuses to refund for personal training. No worries though, I only have four sessions left for the amount I paid up-front for Kelly. The manager also offered me three free sessions because of the inconvenience. So, seven more sessions then I am leaving the gym for good and will follow my trainer wherever she ends up going. I told her she should open her own gym or start her own personal training business. I offered to be her first client and absolutely meant it.

I'm actually really bummed out about this and I don't even want to go to the gym I am currently a member at because I don't even want to be in the same room as the girl that caused all these issues. Liars just piss me off. Especially liars that hurt others out of spite. My bet is she was jealous that Kelly got the job she wanted and that's why she spread the lies. Of course I can't prove it. But, why else would she be such a terrible person?

I have not had a "weigh in" recently, but I plan to tomorrow or maybe Monday morning. I don't really care about what the scale says. My goal focuses more on fitting into a smaller size, not reaching a specific number of pounds.

I recently started Shakeology, I start the "Eat Clean Challenge" Saturday for 21 days and I am very excited! I'll keep up with my progress here!

Eating clean, what's that?

About two weeks ago I bought a juicer and a new blender to replace the old one I had broken (story for another time). Since I bought a juicer I figured I should buy a bunch of green leafy veggies, yummy fruits, and gross coconut water. I only bought a little bit! I really can't stand the stuff. By itself, that is.

Now I have a juicer and veggies and fruit. What to do, what to do?! OH! I know! Make delicious (most of the time) nutrient dense juice! And that is exactly what I have done almost every single day. I did skip one day because my calorie intake was over the daily amount allowed (story for another time).

I have dropped nearly 10 pounds and a condition I have been suffering with for the past year is mostly gone! The condition: Plantar Fasciitis, my calf muscles were really tight and would cause terrible pain in my heels. Walking was so painful, especially in the mornings and occasionally that pain would last all day long no matter how much I stretched or had my trainer use a foam log roll on my calves (not recommended if you have a low threshold for pain, I cried and cursed a little), but it would help ease the pain a little. I am not sure if the whole foods, clean eating, can really be the reason for the spontaneous cure of these tight muscles, but I honestly have not done anything else differently. Whole foods and fresh veggies are supposed to clear toxins from your body, heck, it's been proven to cure cancer. Maybe it is the reason my calves and heels don't hate me any more.

By the way, my "clean" dinner last night:

Brown rice, fresh cut green beans, left over Thanksgiving turkey, and a little bit of sharp cheddar (not a "clean" food, but I wanted it!), stuffed into a delicious acorn squash:

Discouraged much?

What to do when you get discouraged? I guess I'm having a bit of a down moment. Why? It's the Thanksgiving season. Shouldn't I be over-joyed and giving thanks for all I have; instead of being a downer for what I don't?

I got an email the other day from a friend. Well, I guess I don't know what she is to me. We were friends, at least I think we were. But that was back in our middle school days. The last time I spoke with her was a year ago next month. Anyway, I digress. She is back in socal visiting family and asked if I would be available to see her. I gave her a list of days and approximate times I would be available. Then, a few days later (yesterday), she sends me and another girl a joint email saying that they have "decided it would be fun if the three of us could get together", like really? Thanks, but I don't really want to see the other person. In fact, I have been back in San Diego for OVER a YEAR now and every attempt I've made at getting together with this other person has been shot down or blown-off. Not to mention the fact that she owes me a couple thousand dollars. Also, the day and time they want to get together doesn't really work well for me. 6pm on Wednesday? My son goes to be at 7:30pm and I work Thursday (Thanksgiving) so have to be up early. Of course the email response from me mentions those facts and that Monday (today) or Tuesday (tomorrow) would work better for me...no response from the "friend", but the other girl messages that Wednesday at 6pm works for her. Well, have fun. I wont be there.

I guess it just brought me back into the reality that is my life right now. I have pretty much zero friends and not from lack of trying to get together with people. But that is also part of the issue I have. Why do I have to put in all the effort? I am the only one that asks people to make time for me, and then they say they would love to "but" they are not available at that time, had something come up, husband this or husband that, or family this or family that, or they just ignore me until after the fact and then apologize.

Now, that's not the part that bothers me so much. It's me that bothers me. It's the unknown. The reasons behind the neglect of our relationships, or lack there of. Why don't they want to see me? If they did, they would make time. Obviously it must be me. Silly to think these things, I know. I try to avoid these thoughts, but some times they sneak through.

So what is it I do to lift my spirits? I sing a little song, do a little dance, get down tonight...oh wait, no. I just sing, dance, hug my son, eat healthy(ish) desserts, maybe indulge in a glass of wine, and write in my journal (or on here).

Something I learned a long time ago: If I love myself, then the fact that they don't love me doesn't really matter. Why should them liking me be more important than me liking myself? It shouldn't. So it doesn't.

*Deep breath in, roll the shoulders back, deep breath out* repeat if necessary.

Well, that's what ovens are for!

I really appreciate that I have an oven. I love baking large dishes of healthy goodness a few nights a week that last a few days each. Tonight: a veggie packed pasta-less lasagna.

In a medium mixing bowl I added finely chopped carrots, onion, asparagus, ricotta, and cottage cheese (with a little parmesan).
I made my own tomato sauce with peeled and mashed whole tomatoes, half a can of tomato paste, pepper, basil, and a dash of salt.
The "pasta" was made with thinly sliced zucchini.
Extras: kale and spinach

First I put olive oil to coat the baking dish. Then enough mix to cover the bottom, sauce, and then zucchini. I then added a handful of kale and spinach. Then repeated the layers to the top of the dish ending with the sauce. I then added a small amount of mozzarella cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes (I like the cheese on top to be a bit well done).

Can anyone say YUM?

I've looked into and read up on a lot of different diets. I don't really like any of them. I like parts of most of them though. I love the inventiveness of Raw Foodies, the basics of eating clean, the push for protein in the Atkins, the points (or calorie counting) with Weight Watchers, and even the strictness of bodybuildingers' meal plans.

I choose to do a little of all of them. I try to incorporate large amounts of RAW foods into my diet. Which means I use a juicer every single day to make nutrient rich juice, and eat at least one serving of raw whole vegetables and fruits every day. Eating clean is similar to Raw Foodies, except that cooking food is okay, and I love my eggs!!! The difference is that I do allow some processed foods into my diet, like tortillas. Protein in the Atkins! YES! I have a lot of protein every day in veggies, fruits, eggs, and lean meats. Points with Weight Watchers. Well, I don't actually count calories every single day, but I do a few times a week with an *average* day's worth of meals/snacks so I can make sure I am eating enough (or not too much). The strictness of bodybuilders. Wow, what else can I say? I choose not to be as strict, BUT I do have a few staple food items that I have almost every single day. Oatmeal or cream of wheat, eggs, spinach, and fish or chicken. With all of these diets water is pushed, and I try to drink at the very least 8 full cups a day (64oz). I try to keep a large water bottle with me all day and fill it up at least once, but I really try for twice.

I didn't want to pick a diet, I wanted to make my own rules that were still focused on making healthy choices. Rules that I would be comfortable with. Everyone that encourages eating healthy and exercise will tell you that it's a lifestyle, not just a diet. It's true. My lifestyle is one of making healthy choices. Not only when it comes to food, but also when being active! ZUMBA tomorrow morning! Super excited!

180 and counting!

I *need* to lose 180lbs. Maybe even a little more. I'm not exactly sure what my ideal weight is because I am 5'10 and everything I've read leaves the ideal weight for my height between 150 and 170lbs.

I'm going to shoot for 170lbs (and if you just did the math, you know I am some where very close to 350lbs).

I'm obviously the super fat one in the middle.

The good news, I was heading to the color run right before this was taken. So, I do *want* to be active and healthy.

For this past week I have made healthy choices every day. I bought a juicer and have used it every day this past week. I bought a new blender (because I broke my old one, it was an accident!). I went to Trader Joe's and loaded up on fruits and veggies and have been making juice and green smoothies. All my meals are made at home and are heavy with veggies and protein and light on breads/processed foods. I should really be keeping a food journal...
Oh, and I am experimenting with the raw foodie movement. I sorta did a few years ago, and have gotten back into it. I will never be a 100% Raw food eater, but I can definitely be close to 75% since *most* of my meals consist of fresh veggies, fruit, and nuts anyway (I just love meat and bread!).

I'm going to make Raw brownies soon. They sound interesting. I'm also going to make a vegan pumpkin icing. WOOOO look at me go!