And so we begin.

My sister told me today that I should start a blog, so here it is. Be prepared for mindless ramblings and random topics and a whole lot of nothing-ness that I am sure will develop here.

To start with, I will express my self-loathing at the moment. It doesn't happen as often now as it used to, but four months ago something snapped and my internal battle commenced. But this isn't just about four months ago, it goes much further back. This is my story...

At the beginning of September of last year (2009) I was down to 212lbs and in a size 16. This is HUGE for me because the last size I can remember wearing from my younger days was a 22-24 while in high school. Yes, high school...meaning I was 15 or 16 and I couldn't even tell you how much I weighed. At my heaviest I was in a size 28 and I can't even tell you how much I weighed because when I first stepped on a scale (at 20 years old) I was so heavy it didn't even register. Which means I had to weigh OVER 330lbs. My guess is that I was around 345-350. Disgusting, I know. I was, of course, unhappy in that body so I FINALLY did something about it. I got busy. I got involved in free step-aerobics, weight-lifting, and yoga classes and started making healthier choices and I sweat those pounds off. I dropped somewhere around (guessing because I don't know for sure) 50-60lbs in three months. I was still huge, but felt great and actually started to love myself. From this point I slowed down. Not so much that I got lazy, but I moved to a different state that didn't offer free programs and I tend to stay more motivated in group settings. One thing I have always been proud of, until just recently, is that if I ever gained weight it was only 5-10lbs and I would lose it shortly thereafter. I stayed the same weight for a while then would drop another 20lbs or so and do the whole yo-yo thing, never gaining more than 5-10lbs (like I said...). So I was never upset about it and never put myself down.

Now, I have no idea what set me off. I figure something must have happened. I hit a weird depression and I gave-up. I was down to my all time lowest weight that I could remember and I was so happy about it...I mean seriously, only 13 more to be UNDER 200lbs which is like a freakin' dream to me and then my world shatters...yet nothing really changed. My job is still wonderful, my friends are still my friends, I didn't have a bad breakup or something terrible happen. I just...gave up. 212lbs to 240ish. I'll force myself to step on the scale in the morning, although I am not too thrilled at the idea of seeing my failure. I have decided that I am a heifer. At least I feel like one. None of my clothes fit. I've not only gone back up into my size 18's, they are tight and uncomfortable and that just sucks. Maybe this blog will help keep me on track now, although because I feel like a heifer I am also unmotivated to do anything about it at the moment. Here's hoping!